I lost my mind.

I lost my mind.

Hello stranger.

Yes, it's been a while and yes, I have some thoughts about it – finally.

It's no secret that my last attempts to pick up my mental pen and paper and write something didn't go as planned.  Whenever I lurk around the admin page of my blog posts, I'm greeted with about half a dozen not-quite-done, half-assed, uncooked drafts staring at me, eager to be finished and escape the graveyard of unfinished projects.

For the first few weeks, I put them off by telling myself that I was too busy to finish any of them. To be fair, that wasn't a lie, but then again, we always exist in the realm of being too busy for just about everything, while consciously choosing to make time for the things we actually care about or are essential to being a functioning part of society. So yes, I have made excuses.

It's like gaslighting yourself into thinking you've been bloated for weeks when you've just put on weight. Or telling yourself that once this other thing is out of the way, you'll finally get around to clearing out the basement, when in fact you never felt like doing it in the first place. 

I also want to emphasise that I have made numerous attempts to finish these posts. I would set myself up in a nice environment and be ready to get the mental juices flowing. But then, nothing. I couldn't type a single sentence, which is frustrating to say the least. It felt as if all my cognitive abilities to form and express a thought were leaving my cells as soon as I tried to access that part of my brain. Again, I didn't think much of it at first, but it's been months now, and I've started to wonder why the hell am I so illiterate all of a sudden? 

I would get a mental shutdown, similar to when someone asks you to tell a joke or three fun facts about yourself and all of a sudden, you literally forget everything you've ever heard or experienced in your life.  

To be clear, this post is not going to offer a solution to this problem (sorry), I'm just here to vent. Although the fact that I am posting this might be the solution in itself? Deep stuff. Anyway, we're getting off track. 

I remember writing entire posts in a matter of hours, sometimes as fast as a coffee break's worth of time. One of my favourite posts was born of a sudden thought at 5am when my mind was already rambling on with the intro as I tried to reach for my laptop in the dark and follow the mental chatter.

So what changed? 

I've had a couple of epiphanies while travelling for 6 months (or more precisely, existing in one place for an extended period of time, escaping any form of duty, expectation or commitment). One of the earlier ones was my realisation that taking a break is often the most productive thing one can do. While at the time I was thinking more about the getting away part and removing myself from something toxic, I now believe this ties in with the lack of creativity I've experienced since coming back. 

The blog was a random idea that was born while I was in Colombia, precisely three months into my little journey of self-discovery. I never set out to be a blogger - I still don't - but I was intrigued by the power that lies behind the writing process. I still revisit the stuff I wrote on my journey as I read it now with a different mind. It's like going back in time to a version of myself that had a mental clarity I didn't even know existed. While from the outside I was a person with no real purpose or commitment, my mental sharpness reached heights I was previously unaware of. My mind was working at full speed, allowing me to form thoughts I didn't even know I had. Which brings me back to today and my longing for this superpower. 

At this point I'm convinced that most of us are operating with a fraction of what we're actually capable of. It now makes sense why people stress the importance of mental shutdowns, rest and meditation, as an attempt to access the wonders of our minds that are silenced amidst the distractions of our daily lives.

Awareness is always the first step to healing, and boy am I eager to access the depths of my mind again.