Cheer up! This is why you’re depressed.

Cheer up! This is why you’re depressed.

Before I begin, let me just add that I’m very aware this post may upset some people.

It’s an attempt to (over)simplify a problem, and I can already hear the chants about how this is too complex an issue.

I can see why.

It’s a topic that is strictly personal and, in its essence, doesn’t allow for general statements.

At least at first glance. But if we zoom out, some conclusions may be drawn.

Also, if you’re reading this as someone who has already entertained the thought of ending yourself — don’t do it. You are more loved than you think (seriously), and how naive of you to assume you’ve already had the best days of your life. :) Stick to the ride; it’ll be worth it.

Now let’s get into it.

Confronting the Issue

The bad news is I can’t help you. (Look at me offering a helping hand like an absolute pro.)

What’s worse, no one really can. (Yep, didn’t finish there.)

All pharma offers is a pill to ease the pain, not get to the root of it. The root in question is what makes therapists earn their money and what presents itself as this complex black box hidden in our deepest subconscious — filled with unresolved traumas, forgotten memories, and, if you ask a psychic, past-life experiences. All of which seem to manifest in an imbalance or, better yet, an outright malfunction in our brains. Nice.

If you attempt to dodge the fast lane of numbing your pain with pills, you’re presented with the daunting task of trying to vibe with your demons.

Many of us don’t have the balls, the time, or even the financial means to dive into the depths of our subconscious. So we try to coexist with these unpredictably hostile depressive episodes that seem to lurk under the rug, ready to kick our ass whenever life gives them the opportunity.

Not only the frequency but also the magnitude of the depressive wave can vary greatly. Some episodes are fairly mild and can be written off by telling yourself tomorrow is a new day. Others have you (on the verge of) pulling the trigger. Just like the spectrum between a mild headache and an insufferable migraine, it’s easy to know the real deal once you’ve experienced one.

Understanding the Root

Emotions like grief can be traced back with utmost precision since we know what event caused the emotion to be felt. The first, and luckily only time thus far, I experienced grief in its full force was a couple of years ago when a loved one died. I learned a lot during that time, and I got to experience the difference between grief and depression firsthand.

I'll probably devote a separate post to this, as it requires more context and I don't want to risk downplaying either condition. What I will say, though, is that from personal experience it was helpful to know that my close circle knew exactly what was going on without any explanation needed. It was also easier for me to give myself space to feel these emotions whenever they came rushing in, as I always knew the origin of the pain.

Depression, on the other hand, felt like an invisible dark force that attacked me out of the blue, making it impossible to fight back as I couldn’t see where it was coming from.

There are two issues with that mental image. One, I felt trapped, as I always thought depression was caused by something outside my control. Two, I viewed depression as an enemy with the sole intention of ending me.

It’s a Signal

For most of my life, I was convinced the pain we feel when experiencing these emotions was nothing more than a chemical imbalance — a mental illness that could never be fully cured and required rational problem-solving methods such as going to the gym, socializing, or generally keeping busy to give oneself a temporary break. While I learned to live with it over the years, I still couldn't understand why the feeling kept coming back.

That was until I stumbled across Johann Hari's now-viral TED Talk, in which he presented a more holistic approach to treating depression and anxiety. I remember how blown away I was when I first saw it, and how shockingly confined my mindset around depression had been up to that point.

In his TED Talk, Johann Hari emphasizes the importance of community and explains how a sense of belonging can help cure depression amidst the epidemic of loneliness. However, that’s just one possible factor. In his book Lost Connections, he lists a total of nine causes of depression, noting that this is not an exhaustive list. Anyway, I don't want to spoil too much, but the following quote made me look at depression differently:

“I was only able to change my life when I realized your depression is not a malfunction. It’s a signal. It’s telling you something.”

Once I changed my mindset toward depression as a way for my mind and body to communicate, it felt like I had finally found the glowing exit sign across the room. Suddenly, the task of unboxing this mystery called depression became much more tangible.

But then again, being aware that it is a signal is not going to magically remove the dark veil of pain and despair. In order for that to happen, I had to understand what the signal represented and what actions I needed to take.

Similarly, when a red light flashes in your car, you don't just sit there “being aware” of its presence and otherwise carry on with your life. The sole purpose of the signal is to tell you that something needs to be looked at and resolved.

This is when matters got disproportionately confusing. Again.

With my newfound understanding of depression, I still seemed to lack the means to respond appropriately to my signals.

The Star of the Show

On my quest for answers, I found that our heart seemed to be the hidden key to understanding ourselves. I've come to learn that the heart speaks in emotions and that the emotions we experience stem from parts of our lives that need more attention. This is where it gets deeply personal.

Before I continue, I know what you're thinking: Ugh, another woman muttering phony, unoriginal bathroom-sign wisdom. But, fam, the bathroom signs were right all along.

Following your heart really is where it’s at.

Just like the mind, our heart has a voice too — and quite an important one at that. If you don’t listen to it, there is a very real risk of creating a living hell for yourself.

In that sense, listening to your heart is not an ideal state; it’s a necessity for a life worth living.

I have high respect for therapists and psychotherapists who take the time to compassionately unravel the pain and trauma we experience throughout our lives, but all this is just a helping hand. We are still the ones who need to take the steps.

With the work of people like Johann Hari, the task of shedding light on our own causes of depression seems much more manageable. At the end of the day, we might not be able to pinpoint the exact causes of our depression, but we generally don’t have a hard time expressing what is stressing us out or making us overthink the sh*t out of a situation.

You’re Overthinking Again — Get Out of Your Head

If we’re being honest with ourselves, we’re just a bunch of privileged overthinkers. Yes, sometimes shit hits the fan, but guess what — we survive. My point is that most of our worst-case scenarios are imagined, not lived. And if lived, they’re not that bad anyway.

As Seneca famously said:

“We suffer more in imagination than in reality.”

And he had a point. When I reflect on the times when I felt truly miserable, I later had to admit that most of my gut-wrenching anxiety was self-inflicted.

“Oftentimes, our greatest inner turmoil is not an ailment of actuality, but an unconscious manifestation of our perceived shortcomings. This leads to repercussions on both the individual and on society at large. The immediate consequence of the gap between perception and reality is that on the individual, as briefly described above. That is the largely self-inflicted, but nevertheless perturbing, anguish of the mind.” — Lori Huica

Entire books have been written on the subject of overthinking and how to deal with it. Some tools are more time-consuming than others. Some require practice, and some are designed for more pressing scenarios like panic attacks. However, there’s usually a common denominator: they help us quiet our minds and put a halt to the anxiety generator. Writing things down and describing the fear is a very helpful way to unclutter our thoughts.

Inspired by the writings of Seneca, Tim Ferriss created a tool called fear-setting, in which he provides a framework for dealing with personal fears and figuring out a practical way to tackle them. Instead of the more common task of goal-setting, this approach aims to better understand our fears.

By detailing our worst-case scenario, it helps us realize that even in the unlikely event that it becomes reality, there are still practical ways to deal with it. This, in turn, allows us to shift our focus to all the potential benefits that could materialize once we take that leap of faith.

The final, and perhaps most important, step is to imagine a scenario where no decision is made and we continue down the road without making any changes. This is probably the most revealing part, as you'll realize that everything (and nothing) has a hidden cost.

I found this to be one of the most powerful and effective tools when dealing with my own life decisions. The fear-setting technique played a big part in my decision to take a sabbatical a year ago.

I clearly needed to make a change, but it was also obvious that I was extremely anxious about making a decision. What finally made me take the plunge was the realization that everything has a price — and that ignoring my desires and trading comfort for fulfillment had become an option I could no longer afford.

So, what now?

The chosen title of this blog suggests that I have a universal solution that perfectly explains why you feel the way you feel. I don’t. Only you know what sparks your heart and what drains you in life. That is deeply personal.

However, once we understand that heavy emotions always carry a hidden message, there are practical ways to get to the root of our suffering. And isn’t that something?

In a tweet, the entrepreneur Alex Hormozi once wrote:

“Sadness comes from a lack of options — which is why it feels like hopelessness. Anxiety comes from many options but a lack of priorities — which is why it feels like paralysis. Looking everywhere but moving nowhere. Solve sadness with knowledge and anxiety with a decision.”

And honestly, the more I think about it, the more I believe he's right. He, too, emphasizes the importance of taking action while acknowledging that these conditions always come with an underlying message.

So, if you ever feel drained, here’s my playbook. Maybe it will help you too. <3

Sit with it. Go within and listen to your heart. If you’re afraid, write it down. Milk your feelings. What is it that makes you feel such crippling anxiety? What’s your worst fear, and how would you react if that fear were to materialize? Define it. And then ask yourself — what if it never does?

Are you in a position to take action? Can you live with the status quo? I repeat: can you continue your life if nothing changes? If not, go take action.

It’s not the feeling itself but the act of not taking action that makes the frustration of feeling stuck grow bigger — eventually leaving you in a place where you feel there’s no hope left. It’s a trap. I promise.

Your mind and body are rooting for you. Always.