You’re not introverted. You just haven’t found your people yet
You’re not introverted. You just haven’t found your people yet
If you are intrigued by the title, chances are you identify as an introvert. Know that, contrary to what all these online coaches out there say when giving you tips on how to “cure” your introvert gene and become more sociable, there’s nothing wrong with you.
I would even go as far as to say that most of us feel a deep sense of comfort when thinking about our couch after our social battery has been maxed out that day. As far as I know, that’s already a big clue as to whether you identify as an introvert or not.
I’ve come to learn that being an introvert has very little to do with how one acts in social settings. Granted, some might already get quite overwhelmed by the sheer thought of stepping into a social setting or generally have a hard time keeping a conversation going with most people. But we shouldn’t completely dismiss the fact that interacting with people is a skill that can be learned. There are many introverts out there that can be pretty darn charming, engaging and fun but still choose quiet time and moderate amounts of solo drinking at the end of the day over almost anything else.
Though saying the vibes are off can be a very valid reason to distance ourselves from a conversation or an entire set of people, this excuse can’t and shouldn’t be overused. (If that’s socially acceptable work will get very awkward awfully quickly.)
But here’s the thing; If we continuously find ourselves having a hard time talking to people or feeling a sense of misplacement within a social setting, this might indicate more than we’d think. I mean sure, we can just brush it off by saying we’re introverts and that we simply don’t enjoy the act of interacting with fellow humans. I did that for sure. But this can’t be the whole story…
Being social is not a choice it’s a necessity
As much as we sometimes try to deny it, we are social animals and have a natural sense of longing for community. (You can post as many lone-wolf quotes on LinkedIn as you want, but chances are you’re not the exception.)
Not only do we subconsciously seek it, we need it to thrive. Just like that occasional sprinkle of water we splash over our houseplants, we too require that social equivalent of water supply to survive and grow.
Think about a situation where you felt at ease, shared some intimate moments or just had a good laugh with someone and now try to remember how you felt after you said your goodbye’s and went home.
I love the highs I get when I’m with people that get me and speak the same language as me – figuratively speaking, but it sure helps if we speak the actual same language. It’s not just about being heard, the ability to effortlessly understand the person I’m talking to is just about as fulfilling. That deep sense of connection we feel amidst this naturally flowing verbal tango carried by messages that are heard, feelings that are seen and emotions that are shared is almost unbeatable.
Most of us that are currently employed somewhere know the importance of a work-bestie. That person who, if they were to tell you that they’re about to leave the company would make your heart ache more than you would like to admit.
Defining community
For the longest time, when I would think about community, I immediately envisioned a bunch of delighted people wearing airy white linen clothes circling around a bonfire and chanting happy songs. One of them somehow always plays a guitar and goes by the name Joaquin.
This romanticized notion of community diminished gradually overtime as I’ve come to learn something very valuable; To get a sense of community and fill up my social cup, I don’t need to replicate the entire cast of friends and hang around in a coffee shop at 10AM on a Tuesday. More often than not all I needed was one good interaction with a single soul, and my brain was completely satisfied with that stimuli.
Unlike the cast in those quirky 90ies sitcoms that are glued together for a good decade without any fluctuation whatsoever, the social settings in real life can change quite rapidly. Sure, this can be initiated by us, but most of the time it’s due to changes in our lives that make keeping a friendship alive pretty darn challenging.
How did I learn this, you may ask? The hard way, I shall reply.
While I was travelling, I caught myself romanticizing this familiar social cocoon that was waiting for me back home. Nothing wrong with that until I got confronted with news that threw my excitement out the window almost immediately. First off, it was distressing to find out how fragile my mental construct of a community actually was. But after some stress-eating and immediate tear-shedding, I got into thinking mode.
Said news coupled with my most recent understanding of fulfilling interactions and a sense of connection urged me to redefine the concept of community altogether. It had me thinking, what and who do we actually need to get a sense of community? What is it in a community that we seek? How many people should be part of our chosen community? Does it even matter? At what point do we declare someone a community member of ours? Is there a predefined recruitment process involved with it?
The experience I gained during my travels came in handy as I sat with these questions.
After wandering around without immediate access to a social safety net and a constant underlying threat of crippling loneliness, I realized that I didn’t need many people around me; I needed the right people around me.
Who is right?
Surround yourself with the right people is a noble conclusion indeed, but not really tangible, huh. We first need to understand what makes for a “right” person.
I’ve come to learn that the quality of a connection hardly correlates with the overall time spent together. I’ve come to learn that a connection is intangible by definition and is constantly fed by a number of different micro-interactions that are collected overtime. And I’ve come to learn that only a genuine connection has the capacity to fill up our social cup.
The last one is especially important. If we allow everyone access into our lives because we can sense our social cup drying out, it can have the opposite effect. We might shut down around certain people, we might refrain from sharing our thoughts in fear of judgement, and we might just shut up altogether. Spending time with the wrong people can damage our cup and make it leak. Ultimately leaving us drained and feeling low after a meet-up. If you can relate to this, then it’s time to cut some people out of your life. No need to sugarcoat this.
I was hesitant to grab my scissors for the longest time not realizing how damaging it was to my mental health. I was holding on to soul-sucking connections for so long that I had built an entire personality around it, thinking I was just an introvert. Only to find out that I undergo a factual personality shift if I spend more time with people that light up my spirit.
So, how do we know if we’ve found our people? Once we get the hang of it, it’s painfully obvious. Here are some of my criterias:
Notice how you feel after interacting with new people and old friends(!)
Don’t judge too soon. Connections are shaped by a vast collection of micro-interactions. We all have bad days.
Observe how you communicate. Do you feel at ease? Do feel like you can openly share your thoughts?
Once I accepted how innately fleeting connections are, it made me appreciate those micro-interactions even more. After all, those are the moments that ultimately make up for a connection in its aggregation.
I still consider myself an introvert but with that new understanding of what a good connection entails, I dialed down on the level of my perceived introvert side as I seriously have a hard time shutting up when I’m with “my people”.
In that sense, notice how you act. Maybe the setting you find yourself in makes you subconsciously water down your personality to fit in and get on with people that wouldn’t get or like you otherwise.
