Why People-pleasing backfires. Everytime.
Why People-pleasing backfires. Everytime.
An opening note: As I started writing this post, I realized this topic cuts deeper than anticipated. I’ve revisited old wounds within myself that screamed for attention after years of lurking under the rug, tired of getting overseen by situational occurrences that would get all the credit for my reactions.
The temptation was big to just keep this post in my private notes and deal with it myself, but I decided to share it anyway. Not because I think this post is so expertly written and needs more attention (although pretty happy with the outcome ngl), but for the small chance that someone out here resonates with what I’m writing and maybe be inspired to look at their own situation from a different angle.
Also, please keep in mind that I’m dropping my pants on the internet, so please voice any critique with some compassion or at least a heart emoji at the end.
Now let’s get into it:
I’ve seen the good, the bad and the ugly. Judging by the chosen phrasing in my title, you already have an idea of where I’m going with this.
I wish I could tell you the story of how I was that cool, mysterious, artsy outcast at school, unaffected by judgement of others, always standing up for myself and never giving in to the urge to act a certain way just to fit in. But I’m tired of frontin’ fam. I, too, am guilty of people-pleasing.
Why we do it
One thing I’ve come to learn is that we all have an underlying desire to be liked. It’s part of our DNA. I’m sure there are countless books out there that explain on a scientific and evolutionary level why that is. But that’s not why we’re here today. Besides, I would argue that you know exactly what I’m talking about without having to look at brain scans and recite the relevant literature with me.
As much as we are all unique and special in our own way, the thought of being aggressively disliked, bullied, rejected or made fun of by people is stressful for most of us. That’s normal. The way we respond to this deeply rooted desire to be approved or liked by others is where we separate ourselves from each other.
Many people tend to people-please as it presents itself as this easy, obvious shortcut to getting the necessary approval and stepping into the social safety zone. How can anyone dislike you if you approve of everything they do, don’t oppose their views, and generally act as this moldable piece of clay that adapts to different social settings whenever required?
Right?
It’s a trap.
Have you ever witnessed the paradox that lies behind people-pleasing? That is, the more you give in to the desire and gravitate towards people-pleasing, the more people are repulsed by your behaviour? Similarly, when you speak up because a certain behavior or action doesn’t sit right with you, people respect you more - even if they are noticeably irritated by your opposing views?
Remember that one person in class who was obnoxiously loud, didn’t give a sh*t about people, and was basically a walking headache? Do you also remember how that person wasn’t usually the most disliked one in class? Often they even ranked quite high up in popularity.
I mean, isn’t that weird? They didn’t follow any of the social ground rules, yet were respected and liked by their peers. In the case of our Class Headache guy in high school, he even managed to allegedly maneuver one of our teachers into a burn-out. This guy was dynamite.
Does that mean we all have to be assholes to be liked? No.
The social ground rules still apply. Being kind, funny, positive, outgoing, interested, authentic etc. are universally deemed to be desirable social traits.
Kindness does not equal people-pleasing. You can be kind yet assertive. You can be respectful but still disagree with people. You can be positive and nice, but slap back if the situation requires it (figuratively speaking, of course).
Benefits of people-pleasing
There’s really no benefit to people-pleasing. Seriously. I can’t think of one. Next chapter.
Downsides of people-pleasing
It’s not just about how people perceive you in the aftermath of you continuously taking the people-pleasing road, it’s also unhealthy for you.
Not being able to voice your disapproval, doubts, opposing views and needs to other people can be frustrating. People-pleasing often means you don’t respect your own boundaries and desired outcomes. Guess what, people smell the fear and respond to your lack of self-respect with an equal lack of respect for you. Once that opinion has been formed, it becomes increasingly difficult to reclaim that respect.
Think about it.
We all know at least one person who is a notorious people-pleaser. Now imagine that same person coming up to you, say tomorrow, acting all confident. Sure, you might respect him or her more, but let’s face it, it will seem weird and inauthentic at first. You’d think they were playing a role trying to cover up their real personality.
It’s no accident that people stress the importance of first impressions. We are so quick to judge people all the time. If you claim you’re not one of them, you’re probably the worst kind, haha (speaking from experience). Once we’ve labelled someone, we’re reluctant to re-label them. After all, we generally don’t like to admit that we were wrong. Contrary to the infamous first impression that is done within a short period of time and is often based on very little - if any - real data, there has to be repeated evidence that Person X is not actually what we first perceived them to be. The relabeling act requires a lot more effort from all related parties. It’s way easier if you ditch the habit of people-pleasing altogether - trust me.
Also, if you continuously find yourself in social settings that require you to put on a mask and hide your true self, you might want to ask yourself if you even want to hang out in that specific social circle. If you decide to let go of your mask, and they accept you for who you are - great! If you express your true self and don’t get accepted by your so-called friends, colleagues or your partner well, then, that social bond was bound to fail anyway. In this sense, dropping your mask is always a good idea.
Are you ready for a deep-dive? It’s about to get juicy.
In the mind of a People-pleaser
Notorious people-pleasers are trapped in a reality where everyone seems to be judging them at all times. They instantly put people on this invisible pedestal and have this razor-thin tolerance for external judgement. They define this wobbly card-house of self-worth almost exclusively on the back of external feedback - an unreliable source at best. The worst case? Trying to get that external approval from someone who dislikes them. The type of people that, no matter what they do, treat them like they’re not enough. It becomes this never ending vicious cycle where people-pleasers crave this unattainable approval until they eventually implode. All the while completely neglecting their own feelings in the process.
When I look back at the jobs I had or my past relationships - whether that be romantic or platonic, that people-pleaser gene was also lurking inside me. I kept myself in situations that - if I had paid more attention to how I was feeling - I could have distanced myself from much sooner.
Negative feelings that would bubble up when I was in situations I didn’t feel comfortable in would be dismissed as weakness or my fault. I would tell myself to push through, ignore my emotions, focus on the positive and keep my head low. It took me a while to acknowledge these negative emotions for what they truly were - a message. A way for my mind and body to communicate. Instead of listening to this message, I treated it as this condition that I needed to get rid of, a chemical imbalance in my brain that had come out of nowhere. Unaware that, all this time, the negative emotions weren’t the problem that needed fixing, it was the pressure I was putting on myself to live up to these unachievable standards I had laid out for myself. That sneaky people-pleaser gene that wouldn’t allow any form of weakness - even if it meant losing myself in the process - for the sake of temporary external acceptance.
Change the perspective
While people-pleasers may appear weak on the outside, they are often the ones who go through life with the harshest inner critic, judging every single misstep - no matter how small or insignificant, and no matter whether anyone else has even noticed it. This downright phobia of failure is wrapped in this tight corset of perfectionism and zero tolerance for mistakes. Any perceived judgement from others is, in fact, their own inner critic doing all the judging or having this internal monologue about how unworthy they are. The behavior that is shown as a result of it then serves as this self-fulfilling prophecy because others are then reacting to said behavior accordingly.
Ok, a lot to digest, but what does it all tell us?
If we change the perspective, it becomes clear that it was never about others. It has always been about you and your relationship with yourself.
All this inner people-pleaser wants is to be loved by you. Ditch the negative talk, self-sabotage and ridiculously high-standards you set for yourself, and you ditch that need to seek external approval.
It all comes down to you loving and accepting yourself. Yes, I could have said that in the beginning, but to be honest, I’d heard this phrase so often that it lost all meaning to me. While I could see how loving yourself is a more pleasurable way to live life, it started to sound phony, and I didn’t see how it was actually an effective way of getting to the root of a certain behavior. But here we are.
It’s time to release the tension and love yourself, bestie. I certainly love you, and you know what? I love myself every day a bit more, too.
